Somebody’s nuts and it AIN’T me

Why can’t we all just get along?

Have you read the headlines lately? In case you missed them, here are a few recent highlights:

A highly regarded astronaut donned adult diapers, raced from Texas to Florida, and attempted to kidnap and possibly murder a woman who dated a man that this astronaut had no relationship with, other than in her own twisted little mind.

A man in Georgia was convicted of poisoning his two tiny children in an attempt to extort money from the Campbell Soup Company.

A New Orleans mother gave her teenager a gun so he could kill another teenage boy with whom he had fought. He accomplished his mission.

NBA millionaire Ron Artest had a Great Dane seized from his mansion because the dog was underfed.

NFL player Shawne Merriman violated the league’s policy against steroid use, but still received the honor of playing in the Pro Bowl.

NFL player Tank Johnson has been ordered not to leave the state of Illinois due to probation violations stemming from more than one weapons charge, but he was allowed to travel to Florida to play in the Super Bowl. This is a reward for bad behavior?

A Catholic elementary school in Rhode Island has outlawed talking at lunchtime for fear a child will choke and no one will hear him.

Apparently they’ve had three choking incidents at the school this year, and instead of giving the children more time to eat, they’ve sentenced them to silence.

Silence in the classrooms, silence in the hallways, silence in the lunchroom – are our kids allowed to be kids at all?

And not in the news but equally ridiculous, my friend’s son was suspended from school for drawing aliens (from outer space, not across the border) shooting each other with laser guns.

The authorities are afraid this means he’ll be the next school shooter. I think it means he’s artistic and he’s a boy.

Let’s face it, this world is on the fast track to crazy. The more I hear, the more I feel that I just don’t belong on this planet; I want my own.

No one in this solar system seems to want Pluto, so I’ll take it. I haven’t worked out the whole unbreathable atmosphere problem yet, but I’m working on it.

In the meantime, I have come up with some ground rules for life on Pluto.

First and foremost, the only passport into Pluto will be the possession of common sense, common courtesy, and common decency. If you don’t have these, you’re not getting in.

Because sleaze balls have a way of flying under the radar at times, Pluto will have an automatic security system. Anyone attempting to harm a child or animal, anyone attempting to deal drugs, and anyone driving drunk will be automatically vaporized.

This will eliminate the need for a criminal justice system that doesn’t seem to work anyway, and it’ll have the added benefit of eliminating the need for attorneys.

Cell phone use will be restricted to certain areas, which will not include vehicles, restaurants, or any other public area.

Violators will be forced to spend three days locked in a room with 30 other cell phone users all trying to talk over each other.

Exorbitantly high salaries will be paid to teachers, firefighters, and policemen.

Corporate officers and politicians will be paid minimum wage.

Truth serum will be administered to politicians on an hourly basis. Smoking will never be allowed.

Work days will include siesta time.

High definition television, including CBS stations, will be available at no charge, but reality shows and wrestling will never be broadcast as they violate the common sense law.

Dogs are more than welcome to come to Pluto, but cats will have to stay on Earth – I’m highly allergic. Birds will be allowed, but they’ll have to be potty trained or learn how to avoid my car.

Should any wise guy decide to start an amusement park, Donald Duck must be the star of said park; he’s my favorite and I don’t like the mouse.

Speaking of which, mice, rats, gerbils, nutria, and any other rodent with a skinny tail that makes me weak at the knees will not be allowed.

Oh, what the heck, let’s just ban all rodents. And snakes – can’t stand them either.

Okay, those last three may not benefit anyone but me, but as the founder of the planet I should have some perks, right?

I know my ideas for colonization of Pluto may sound a little far out to some people, but take a hard look around you. Did you ever imagine that Earth could be this whacked out?

If we don’t do something to counteract the lunacy soon, I’m going ahead with my plans. Should you wish to join me, kindly start working on your passport requirements.

Barbara Munson is accessible! Write to her with your questions, comments, kudos or complaints at: …


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