Derek Clontz BLOG
Super babies born in Bayou Gauche & 9 more LOCAL predictions for 2007
Everywhere I go people ask about my career in celebrity journalism and invariably the question pops up, "What about those tabloid psychics? Are they for real?"
Let me set the stage for my answer by saying that over the past 25 years I've ghost-written hundreds of horoscopes and predictions pieces for a baker’s dozen of top psychics on both sides of the Atlantic.
And I am absolutely, positively and beyond the shadow of any doubt convinced that not one of them is any more psychic than you or I.
That's not to say I don't believe people can be deeply intuitive and "see" things others of us miss. I do believe that - and they can see those things.
I also believe there are people who can predict the shapes of things to come by studying history and tuning in to trends. And only a fool would deny that jaw-dropping coincidences can and do happen - such as when you think about someone you haven’t heard from in years and - brrriinnnngggggg! - the phone jungles and, Lord, have mercy! - she’s on the line.
But "regularly psychic" in an uncanny or supernatural sense? I don’t buy it, but ... many people do.
And because this is, after all, the New Year - when we all like to think about what the next 12 months might have in store for us - I decided to call a dear old friend of mine, famed psychic-to-the-stars Countess Sophia Sabak, with whom I worked hand-in-glove for years before her retirement from the limelight in 1991.
I asked her to peer into her crystal ball and give me her Predictions for 2007 - all keyed to St. Charles Parish, of course - and she happily obliged.
Will these events come to pass? Well, YOU be the judge!
1. NASA scientists will intercept a radio message from an extraterrestrial civilization offering to help Cajun shrimpers take over the world - but here, adds Countess Sabak, is the clincher: "At least 75 eager Cajuns will radio back, saying, 'Let's do it!'"
2. Continental drift accelerates, pushing North America and Europe so close together that the Atlantic Ocean becomes little more than a river - while the Pacific Ocean almost doubles in size. The geologic upheaval wreaks havoc in southeastern Louisiana, leaving formerly low-lying St. Charles Parish perched atop a mountain range - and primed for development as a ski resort!
3. Reincarnation is proved beyond the shadow of any doubt when George Washington and Abraham Lincoln are reborn as fraternal twins in St. Charles Parish Hospital on Feb. 22 - President’s Day - with the ability to speak full sentences.
Even skeptics will admit "something strange is happening," says the Countess, "as the wise and learned infants in powdered wig and full beard answer pointed questions about their previous lives in great detail."
4. The birth of 26 "super-babies" in Bayou Gauche will render ordinary men, women and children - even Einstein-like super-geniuses such as British physicist Stephen Hawking - as backward and obsolete as cave men.
According to Countess Sabak, the amazing "Bayou Babies" will boast IQs in the range of 200 to 240 and also demonstrate the ability to read minds and communicate telepathically. They'll even be able to fly short distances by extending their arms and rolling their eyes back into their heads, the famed psychic continues, adding that "shrimp will jump into their little hands for the privilege of being eaten" by the wonder kids.
5. The development of "solar-powered go-go clothes" by forward-thinking students at the Satellite Center will revolutionize travel both locally and worldwide, enabling people to levitate and move about effortlessly "without the need for cars, buses, trains, airplanes and other mechanical conveyances," the Countess foresees.
6. Atlantis rises from the Mississippi River just a stone’s throw from Luling’s Monsanto plant with clear evidence that an advanced civilization once thrived on the ancient island, including:
- Dozens of futuristic geodesic-dome dwellings of the type that are still advertised in magazines like Popular Science and Mother Earth News.
- A rusting fleet of saucer-shaped, magnet-powered UFOs parked on what appears to be an ancient airfield
- The remains of a nuclear reactor inside a building that is described by Louisiana State University archaeologists as "looking like one of those 1950s McDonald’s drive-ins with golden arches bolted to the sides."
7. While investigating the disappearance of the old Luling Elementary School, Nicholls State University experts stumble on a Toyota-sized portal into a parallel universe where everyone in St. Charles Parish has a double that is fit, thin, young, rich, healthy, good-looking - and when you say "Hurricane Katrina," nobody knows what the heck you are talking about.
8. Satellite Center students who weren’t involved in the "go-go clothes" project develop a crude but working time machine and send several lab rats - and at least one "volunteer" teacher - into the future, fueling fears that they will try to send a student back in time to "tweak" a few grades and also change the outcome of several key football games, altering the course of human history forever.
9. A thrift-shop clerk who figures out how to walk through walls by altering her atomic structure "just by thinking about it" vexes physicists from Tulane when she refuses to answer THEIR questions but teaches several of her co-workers to finesse their way through walls, too, so it's easier for them to get donated items from the warehouse to the showroom floor.
10. An old briefcase found under the seat of one of the parish’s mosquito-control trucks provides investigators with compelling new evidence about Elvis Presley, proving beyond doubt that the King of rock 'n' roll DID NOT fake his death of a drug-induced heart attack in 1977 - and he remains dead today.
Speaking of the King, his birthday's coming up on Jan. 12. Any BIG fans out there? Let's talk! Write: firstname.lastname@example.org
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